A place where I am brutally honest about everything

Life is STILL beautiful, Shawn...

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 16:40:40 GMT

Who could forget your smile, that infectious laughter?

Who could forget your spectacular acting as Elijah not too long ago?

Who could forget your voice, as it earnestly prayed during cell group?

What about your motto, "Life is beautiful!", who could forget that?

I can't forget how you would sit and listen attentively during cell group

I can't forget how much you like planet shakers.

I can't forget eating with you.

Shawn, there are just too many things for all of us to remember and to go through it would take a life time. You will always be in our hearts, and your passing is not the end of your journey with us. You've just gone ahead to see Jesus, and we'll see you again one day, my dear friend.

Remember how you always prayed that the Christians of this generation would rise up in their faith and preach God's gospel? I think that prayer is going into action now, your death isn't Satan's triumph because he can't touch you, instead, your passing has awakened in those who know you a deeper desire to serve God, because you served Him with all your heart, and that at the very last minute, you still held your confession as a Christian and requested for a Christian burial.

Shawn, we still can't fully grasp the idea of you leaving. You didn't even turn 19 yet and didn't finish your first year of Accounting in college. But there's one thing we all know, that you ran your race as a child of God well, you did your very best to help and encourage those around you. The college Christian Fellowship loved you, World Harvest Church and our cell group (F39) loved you, you were a blessing to your immediate family and relatives... the amount of tears shed that day on Saturday night as we paid our last respects and bid you goodbye was a great testimony that you were greatly loved and highly favoured.

And now... you're resting in the arms of Jesus. You feel no pain but eternal joy. You get to meet Christ, fathers of faith like Abraham and Moses; great and awesome prophets like Elijah and Isaiah, and you get to live in your mansion. I bet it's covered with pretty stones and has a big sign in front saying, "Life is beautiful!"

We miss you. I miss you. Thank you for being in my life. I've only known you for less than a year, but its been a great blessing. Even typing this now, I feel a bittersweet kind of feeling in me. I mourn your passing, yet I am rejoicing that one day... we'll meet again. One day, we'll laugh together again in heaven at the feet of Jesus.

For those who are reading this: Shawn Yap, a dear cell member and brother in Christ passed away on the night of March 24, 2006 of a viral infection to the heart. He was buried on March 26, 2006. Everyone remembers him as "the one who laughs a lot". His motto and he says it everytime without fail to us that, "life is beautiful! [shen huo shi mei hao de]" We miss him dearly but we know the greatest chapter of his life has just begun in Paradise.

So Shawn, say hi to Jesus for me, will ya? Tell Him, we're all going to serve Him all of our days and run the race of faith set before us. We'll meet up with you before you know it!

God speaks Cantonese too!

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 02:40:00 GMT

How was Chinese New Year for me? I really would like to use one word only - - - AWESOME! How so? Read on...

On Wednesday (Feb 1st), two of my cell members and I visited this elderly couple who stayed a couple of doors away from my cell member. Word was the aunty had just had an operation and she was feeling ill. The uncle had a stroke and one half of his body was not moving or rather when you look at him, you could call him "stuck".

Due to the fact that the uncle could only converse in Cantonese it seems, and my other cell members could only know a teeny weeny bit of Cantonese, I had to do the bulk of the conversation. So I launched into some surface chit-chat, asked about his grandchildren, his family etc etc. Then we moved to aunty's condition, he said her liver was just operated on, and she still felt weak. So I began sharing (in cantonese, mind you), how Jesus heals and how He never looks at how far we are away from Him, but Jesus loves us and just wants to heal us if we are only willing to let Him do so. Then the uncle pointed at his wife and asked us to pray for her.

So I walked over to aunty who was sitting further away and asked her about her condition and I asked if I could pray. So I told her to close her eyes and I began praying. I never felt so tongue-tied before as I prayed for healing, as I declared into the house and into her life that Jesus' healing power and peace is for her to grasp, for her to receive anytime she wants it.

After praying for her, I then sat down next to uncle and started to chat with him and share about how God can also heal him and his condition. Uncle said that he was believed in Chinese gods, he couldn't go to church etc etc, I just assured him that Jesus looks at the heart and whether we're Christian or not, He loves us all the same. At this point, uncle started to pull out his hanky and cry literally like a baby. If you've never seen a man in his 70s cry like a broken-hearted child, its S-C-A-R-Y!!!! I was scared but I just continued to talk and uncle was crying time and again. I told him that he could look forward to heaven where there would be eternal peace and no pains or aches there [more crying].

So after all that, we left the place. I prayed that night with all my heart for uncle and aunty to receive Christ into their lives. Who would know that after a few days, my cell member sms-ed and said that aunty passed away!!! My mind reeled with shock, not to mention giddiness since I woke up from my afternoon nap to such an sms! Instantly I literally cried out to God, "God! Please! She has to be in heaven! I know she heard Your gospel! She was open to You! She's in heaven, right?" Later on did my cell member tell us that after our visit to the house, the aunty had called a friend and got in touch with a pastor and she requested for water baptism. The same day she got baptised, she was admitted into the hospital that night itself and later passed away.

So hey, I guess God came through:) And we visited uncle during aunty's funeral. And again, I talked to Him about heaven and God's plan for all of us. This time, I told him that aunty's in heaven watching us, and that she's waiting for uncle to come to heaven as well, and yes... he cried again. I really believe that uncle will receive God into his life also!

This testimony is kinda raw, but it's the best way I can describe it. I hope anyone who reads this will be encouraged. It certainly has made me look at 2006 in a different way. That even though the words that I said only were "peace" and "health", the Holy Spirit took over the hearts of the people and they were touched by God's love!

I thank God again that aunty is in heaven!

Complete

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 05:47:17 GMT

I carried the feeling of wanting to burst into tears every single minute yesterday. I almost reached my breaking point and biting my lip and smiling despite the urge to just cry was horrible.

We exchanged words, she and I. It was my fault to raise my voice, I will not justify that. But the part where my integrity and honesty was questioned and twisted, I just couldn't stand to be accused any longer. To always be the subject of scrutiny, the subject of doubt, distrust... my patience has been stretched to the limit. I have never taken up a Christian "Holier than thou" attitude and never would I bring myself to that stage, I would spit on myself if I ever did that!

But well, not letting go the tension would be more worse than letting go. Right? So I had to surrender it to God in my heart. I had to. I wish she would understand me and believe me more at times, but if she doesn't, I don't mind anymore now. God is my advocate, and He believes in me.

My job ends next Friday, I'm glad for that. It's been an interesting four months working and learning things I thought I would never learn. I'm still going for interviews and job-scouting, so if anyone has any job offers in KL, office work with a pay from RM1600 and above, let me know, ok? Call me at my mobile number, those of you have my number, if not, email me at babylonixa0206@yahoo.com.

Suddenly, in the month of January, the decision to resign from my current job has released a burden from my mind and soul. Instantly, I have begun to see and observe things in the Spirit clearer and there is a calm within me that I have done the right thing. Although the past few weeks a tiny voice kept bugging me saying that quitting is failing and I'm a pathetic Christian, I have learnt to ignore that voice now. I have begun to dream again at night, I am beginning to see needs around me that I can meet, my heart is free to care again.

God, I've forgotten You for so long! Yes, I came for cell group, I did care for people around me, but with less passion. Upkeeping the fire that nearly died out at times, was a burdensome effort, but You never left me. At my times of breaking, You didn't allow me to break. Thy grace was sufficient at the darkest moments. I will remember that night where I just sat on my bed murmuring over and over again, "God, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" and feeling hot tears roll down my cheeks.

No matter how far this heart tried to stray, Your hand still held me, still insisted to beckon to me to remember Your calling. God, indeed You are my Saviour! Sometimes, Your awesomeness and love is so indescribable that I can only cry and worship in silent awe. Truly You are more than I could ever imagine!

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice
My open heart, I offer up my life
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

~ Complete, Parachute Band ~

January Update

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 15:26:23 GMT

First of all, my job at University Malaya is ending at the end of January. I wasn't fired, I resigned instead. Why? Well... it's a long story. In short, anyone who needs to know, ask me directly. I assure you, I won't starve, I won't be poor and I will still be alive even if I take a job with a lower pay because at least I'm satisfied.

Secondly, at the moment I am pondering an important decision in my life. I can't really describe what it is, but definitely it has eternal impact. I am feeling confused at the moment and I have no peace in my heart. As I seek God for guidance, please pray for me. Thanks people.

Thirdly, yours truly recently bought two pairs of heels. Major achievement for me because I HATE wearing heels. And yes, I used foundation and make up! So just thought I'd share with all of you. It's a big decision to be more "girly" for a person like me, all I can say is... I'm 24 and I want to be a woman after God's heart. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Amen!

It's been a while...

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 05:58:47 GMT

It's been a while, hasn't in? I remember how religiously I would post entries onto my various blogs that I manage online with recent challenges, happenings and photos of my life. I recall those carefree days with some degree of wistfulness and longing, but they've long gone and passed. But well, I rejoice over those times of rest. Now, I need to focus on my work.

Was just reviewing the year 2005 with a dear friend yesterday night while waiting for the doctor at the 24hour clinic that 2005 has been a roller-coaster year. For some of us, the year has been stretching us in terms of time, money, patience, strength, faith, love, sacrifice ...etc. There have been many lessons learnt, unlearnt and relearnt. For some of us, there were things we just had to decide to either hold it and let it sting our hands more, or to take the brave step and remove those "thorns" and throw them out of our lives forever.

I'm starting 2006 with the perspective that I have to learn to live like someone who is called by God to eventually serve His kingdom full-time. At this point of my life, I am working in a stable job so I can pay my study loan. I have not given up on God for providing me financial blessing and as I work towards getting a full cell group and eventually see a section of 144 after three years. There are many things to change in my life to reach that eventual goal. Right now, I am making the decision to change alot of my old perspectives in order to flow in the plans that God has in my life. Faith is one thing, making that faith become reality is another. God grants the peace and strength, but the one - me - needs to work hard on changing my character.

I need to see myself becoming things that I never thought I would become - a good cell leader, a good daughter, a successful disciple-maker, a strong leader, a good wife... Many things that make me go, "Me? Yeah right...." those are the things I will need to change in the name of Jesus. If you ask me how I am doing, I will be honest and say I feel tired. My body aches and lately the continuous medical leaves I'm taking from work speak of health problems which I need to trust God for complete healing. Yes, from the world's standards, I'm a wreck. But look beyond the physical... I've got the Joy of God, I've got the peace of mind. These past few weeks, I have purposely turned to God first no matter what my circumstances. I've been doing things like walking out of my office for a breather and praying at the balcony or singing worship songs when I feel tired or challenged.

Sometimes, it needs to be a deliberate act of turning to Him, not just nodding your head during a sermon and saying a couple of "amens". It's not even about reading the Bible and saying in your mind, "Yes, that's for me. Thank You, God". If you need healing, pray out loud and profess healing in your life. If you need to rejoice, jump around and laugh, sing and pray outloud your thanks to God. If you need comfort, shed those tears you've been holding back and cry out to God in your time of need. I've found that a deliberate act of stepping out of my current situation takes my mind and spirit off negativity.

My 2005 was a time to get right with God... and I am reaching the end of that lesson. My new lessons await me in 2006 and I've gotten a preview of them - faith in personal areas that will be used for His kingdom, more faith in financial abundance, faith in healing. I hope that those of you who read this will support me in prayer, pray that God will train me and mould me and that I will not stray from His will. Thanks. God bless you! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What's been going on lately?

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 15:09:43 GMT

I would just like to say that these past few weeks of silence from my blog have been challenging weeks personally for me. That's part of the reason (aside from feeling tired and lazy) why I haven't been writing much ever since I came back.

It's been a month since I'e been back. Two things have been bugging me ?health and finance. I guess I didn't tell any of you, but I was hit by heat rashes and it really made life unbearable for me. I wasn't used to heat and humidity and I sweat a lot, and so it made my rashes become really bad and they were so bad that blood was seen on most occasions. On top of that, I was suddenly engulfed in this overblown anxiety over finances. I've never seen myself poke the calculator so much in my entire life, calculating to very last cent of all the money I would receive, give and pay for every month from November until next February! It got so bad that at one point I couldn't sleep well at night for a few weeks because the worry was still in my heart and upon waking up I didn't feel one single bit refreshed. Of course, that brought on migraines which left me bed-ridden from work for two days in a row.

After a chat with my cell leader, things started to get into perspective again. Two words were left to my consideration - fact vs feeling. The fact is, God is still in control even though things seemed like they were spinning out of track. The fact is, my finances might seem tight, but it wasn't the end for me. The fact is, if I stopped worrying and surrendered those burdens to God, I wouldn't fall sick so often and I would get better sleep. My feelings told me I was useless, I was stressed, I was bugged, I was angry, I was tense, I was sad and I was lousy. I remember sharing in church that in life, we have to make choices even in our personal things and situations. It took a lot of thinking, a lot of pondering?so I chose to tell my mind to quit worrying. I followed my cell leader's advice, downloaded articles from Kenneth Copeland't site about health and finance and I did a bible study on the verses that he talked about. In 3 John 2 it says,

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in every way and [that your body] may keep well, even as [I know] your soul keeps well and prospers? (The Amplified Bible)

When I saw this verse, it hit me the hardest because I can prosper both financially and physically when my SOUL keeps well and prospers. The mistake we always make is that we keep looking at the situations outside our soul, thinking that's where hope lies. Whereas hope lies in God, within us with the Holy Spirit. Because in Philippians 4:19 it says,

"And my God will liberally supply [fill to the full] your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.?(The Amplified Bible)

I have to remind myself every single day (even at times when I make slight mistakes over finances or health) that I live by heaven's economy ?There's always more than enough.

Faith doesn's have to hold on to everything it gets. Faith freely gives, because faith is not a mind-set of expecting to do without. This is what I read from Kenneth Copeland and it really brings into perspective what I want my faith to be like. I don't want to wake up thinking, God, by faith I believe for a miracle, because I know I won't have enough.?Instead, I want to just say, God, by faith, it is in my hands already. I claim it in the name of Jesus!?

I remember muttering to my cell leader, "I guess I screwed up this week, huh?" But she didn't hear me clearly. I was tempted to repeat the question, but somehow, there was a check in my heart, warning me not to confess negative things out loud. So I bit my tongue and said nothing. After cell group, God challenged me to review my whole month back in Malaysia and how my spiritual and natural life has been. And here I am, doing it now. I realise that without my knowing, I have put away the worry of finance for the coming months. I have been healed and my sleep is better. Faith didn't require me to plaster a false smile on my face saying, "Everything's okay, nothing is wrong with me!?Faith wanted me to look at the reality of the problem in the eye and say, "Everything's okay because God is with me!" Granted there were days when I felt like calling to work and making up stories that I was sick and wanted to stay home but in the end I had to tell myself that I can make it because God is in me and around me.

And I made it.

This week wasn't screwed up. It never was. That's the reality check that came last night after cell group. I know I still have a long way to go for my faith in various areas in my life but I know I can make it because my God supplies me riches in Christ Jesus.

I don't want to over-project my optimism or faith level. I just want to build what I have in me so that it will increase little by little and one day I will see the fruits of my faith. At times I fall into pride and refuse to acknowledge that even I, need some help; but God has in His mercy shown me patience and love. My Creator knows me well.

I know there are some of you out there who are facing financial and health-related problems. I wish I was right there beside all of you right now, praying for you and encouraging you. But there's a greater Healer and Provider in your life. You are a child of God and He supplies everything to you in quantities that your mind could never imagine. Claim that inheritance from Him! Ask Him for strength, wisdom and grace in your time of need! Things look challenging, things look desperate, but God has never worried because He sees it and He has the solution!

God, comfort them as you have comforted me. Amen.

An email I received

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 22:50:49 GMT

Dear Mei Ling,

The Exam Board for Chemistry and Biology met on 13th September and I am
delighted to tell you that you have been awarded a Lower Second Class
honours degree in Chemistry and Biology. I will be sending written
confirmation of this together with your academic transcript showing the
marks you achieved for each module in the mail to your home address.

Congratulations on your degree which is the result of your hard work
and dedication. We really enjoyed teaching you all here at JMU and we
look forward to seeing you at graduation which will be held in Kuala
Lumpur in mid March 2006. You will be sent details of this in October.

On behalf of the course team I'd like to wish you every success in the
future and we look forward to sharing in your success at graduation in
March.

Best wishes

Dr. Simon

Dr. Simon Dowell
Programme leader, Chemistry & Biology

My Confession

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 19:50:40 GMT

I cried when I saw a photo of a cell member's baptism. Not out of sadness, not because I felt left out. But because I felt my heart leap with anticipations and joy. I wept out of happiness. Soon, I will see them again. Soon, I will return to my usual routine of work, cell group, evangelism and church.

It helps that when you feel that the world doesn't understand you, there is always God there who does. It feels even better too when you have the support of your cell leader who is there not to make up your mind for you, but rather to analyse your decisions and point you to a clearer and refined direction.

There have been a lot of things on my mind about God, church, my relationship with Him, my relationship with my cell members and my relationship with my family and friends as a Christian. I can't say I have settled all these 100%. I'm realistic and I realise that there are things in your life that won't budge NOT because you lack the faith, but because its a matter of choosing path A or path B.

My plans for 2005 are simple. Work out the rest of my translation job at University Malaya and look for a job that is flexible for hours if possible starting January 2006. I am currently looking for a job that has a fixed 9 - 5pm that puts me in line with people and something where I can use my skills as a writer, speaker, teacher and translator to good use. I am considering of becoming a part time teacher in local high schools because I honestly love to be in touch with teens.

In 2006 I will also learn to develop more of my time management skills. In the day I will work hard as an employee and save my wages for my room rental, food, daily necessities, my mother, personal savings, tithes and study loan. Perhaps I will take on tuition on alternate nights because I will possibly need the side income to ease my financial stress more. Besides that, I will devote the most 2-3 nights of my weekdays for cell group and evangelism. My Saturdays and Sundays will be for church and family activities.

I know this is just a rough description and a rough outline of what I want to do with my life in 2006 and it isn't much different from 2005 when I moved out for a few months to Wangsa Maju. But the difference this time is - I'm moving out permanently from Ampang Jaya to Wangsa Maju because I want to. If telling you I'm moving out because of transportation problems would be more acceptable then you can take this excuse, but I would rather be honest and tell you that I am moving out because I have placed this decision before God and He has approved and has promised that it will be a decision that blesses and does not destroy.

I told a friend that 2006 will be tough and I know it will be because God has warned me already. On the reality check, I'm shouldering a study loan that gives me the impression I'm shouldering a loan that's enough to pay for monthly installments for a 2nd hand Kancil, I need to find enough money to support myself, my family and still have enough to save and to bless others. I will need strength to manage a working life in the world and also manage my cell group and be available to church in any possible circumstance that needs assistance. I need to work on my own spiritual growth, pray and fast and ensure that in 2006 I will grow into a mature Christian woman. I need to discard my colllege mentality and remember that I am 23 going on 24 next year.

Perhaps I shouldn't be sharing this, but I feel a need to. I've already erased a few blog entries because they don't seem to be the right ones to write tonight. I'm not putting myself on display. I'm just a person who isn't a person who hides about her future. I am bold enough to write this out right now because I want to make myself accountable to God, friends and when I return to Malaysia, to my family. Some may call me a fool for taking this path. They seem to think I have the capability to go far with my working experience - journalist, teacher, translator, promoter, waitress. And they are right. But I have been called by a different Person and He told me that I have better things to use in my life. I am to heal broken lives. I am to save people from an abyss they have dug up for themselves. The things that have been happening for the past 3 months here in the UK have confirmed that and I will hang on to that revelation until the end of my days.

If you are called, just plainly and simply.... you are called-lah!

For those of you who understand, pray for me. I don't need sympathy. I need friends who hold me accountable and will encourage, correct and remind me of that plan God has set for me.

For those of you, who still can't understand why I am being so rash and think I'm getting into trouble, I don't blame you. My mind is shouting at me still but as I said before, my life answers to Another. All I can say is, don't worry. If you have trusted me all this time with your friendship in my hands, then I have somehow shown you a person who is worthy of trust to a certain degree. So, trust me on this. I don't need sympathy. I also need you to remind me and hold me accountable. Maybe someday you will see why I chose the path I am on right now. Thank you, AiChoo for reaffirming the fact that support sometimes comes silently and those days when my mind was still struggling with my heart, your support was awesome. You can't fathom my choices and you refuse to do so.

Because real friends start by accepting, not understanding. Thank you for being a friend.

Well, I guess thus ends my extremely honest confession concerning myself. I really can't anticipate 100% of what's going to happen when I return to Malaysia. For all I know, I might fail. But well, God promised. And if I keep to His promises, and I abide by His word, He will make my paths prosperous. All the 3 months I've been here in the UK, God has been asking me to be a Joshua. To lead, to abide and to obey like Joshua when Moses had gone. To be a Joshua who crossed the river and brought down the walls of Jericho.

God, to be the person You intended me to be!

I'm sorry

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 01:20:55 GMT

I don't know what to say......

*hugs*

Shuffle...

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 23:21:55 GMT

Idea from serabut...The Magic 8-ball Winamp meme - put your Winamp on shuffle and use the song titles as answers to the following questions: (no cheating)

1. What do you think of me, Winamp? Boyz II Men - In the still of the night
I didn't know you loved me so. Why, you flatter me!

2. Will I have a happy life? Aerosmith - Don't wanna miss a thing
Erm... yet again someone loves me that much. I guess I will have a happy ending after all :)

3. What do my friends think of me? Ferhad - Sunshine or Rain
Thanks. I know I can count on my friends for encouragement.

4. Do people secretly lust after me? Blackstreet - No diggity
o_0

5. How can I make myself happy? Leaving on a Jet plane
Spot on! Nothing would make me happier than hopping on MAS and returning to good ol Malaysia ;)

6. What should I do with my life? Greenday - Time of your life
Appropriately chosen. Have the time of my life. Make the best of the present. It's something unpredictable..

7. Why must life be so full of pain? Uncle Kracker - Follow me
OMG... because of Uncle Kracker? Or my choice of songs for myself? I can't make up my mind here...

8. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex? Josh Groban - You raise me up
I think my future partner literally took those words from Groban. Yeah baby.

9. Will I ever have children? Ferhad - Higher Deeper
If I go higher and deeper? I take that as a yes.

10. Will I die happy? James Blunt - Beautiful
IF there was someone who pined for me so much, yes indeed I would die happy and die with him in my arms

11. Can you give me some advice? Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson - Beauty and The Beast
Well... Disney fantasies huh? Gee thanks a lot, Walt.

12. What do you think happiness is? Switchfoot - Dare you to move
... DAMN RIGHT!

13. What's my favourite fetish? Beegees and Celine Dion - Immortality
What the?

14. Will I ever kill someone? Five for fighting - Superman
Move over Lex. flyindance is gonna kill Superman this episode!

15. Will I ever be rich? Britney Spears - Sometimes
Why of all people, Britney? WHY?

16. Will I ever be (in)famous? TLC - Waterfalls
I break enough rules and chase ideals as it is. Will it get me infamous, TLC? Awww... come on!

Hey you

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 23:24:06 GMT

Hey you, yeah you. I just wanted to dedicate this blog post to you at a sudden burst of inspiration.

Thanks for being through the storms I've met with for these past 2-3 years. I certainly wouldn't have been where I've been and survived if you weren't beside me through it all. Do you remember when we first met? I didn't even know you were around me when I was 10 years old, but you were right next to me everyday protecting me and guiding me unknowingly. I grew up having a vague idea that you were around. I could only imagine that when I had problems, someone like you would be there to inspire and lead me into victory and triumph. I just never realised that throughout my imagination and daydreams, you were there all the time for real, I just didn't realise that dreams could come true so fast!

When we first met, I treated the relationship with a bit of wariness. Did you really accept me for who I was and no matter how I had screwed before you would forgive and forget? Did you really say you love me at first sight? Were you the one who made my requests come true because you cared that much to hear me out? Were you the one who stilled my sobs in the night when I cried into the pillow?

You are so wonderful. You taught me how to appreciate the sunshine. You tried your best with your unfailing love to wipe away the scars and tears that others had given me. You were the one who made rainbows in the sky to remind me of your promises. You held me in your arms when I felt attacked and challenged. You opened my eyes to hope. You loved me when I stopped loving myself. You stopped me from dying lonely and instead breathed new life into me.

What would I be without you? Broken, bent and depressed.

What am I with you? Alive.

God. My Saviour. Jesus, my Best Friend of all.

Without you, I would have been nothing. Perhaps, I would not have learnt to love again and again despite being hurt. You taught me that despite the pain, you kept on loving and loving because without love, no one can change. It is that same love that has changed me inside out. I'm not immune to pain but at least love gives me the hope to go on loving because everyone deserves to be loved.

Thank you, my Jesus. I love You more and more each day.

One of those nights...

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 10:30:54 GMT

Written on August 2nd actually:

I remember what it felt like growing up as a child. I had a reasonably well childhood, the fact that my parents were divorced never really bothered me when I was in primary school. I sailed through those first six years there being one of the top students, enjoyed life with my classmates and proceeded into my teens full of dreams and a lot of ideals. Upon entering secondary school, I realised that the world is full of people who are hurt. I saw girls who got themselves pregnant and dropped out of school before they finished their Form Five studies. A guy from the school next door was battered and hospitalised because he defended a friend against some Malays and revenge waited for him after school with long and hard iron rods.

I began to feel limited. I didn't seem to measure up to mother's standard. Everything was limited by her words. Pick up a shirt and be slightly adventurous and she would go, "You'd look horrible in that!" or "You sure you would like that?" Every time you wanted to go out with your mates and you've assured her that there would be someone picking you up and sending you back via car, she would say "No" at the last minute. Why? "Because I said no, and that's final." So eventually you get used to growing up in that environment where your mother is a hard disciplinarian and just makes simple comments like, "That's good" when you get great results in your subjects in school.

Form Six was a nightmare because you suddenly find yourself realising that maybe you aren't so academically inclined for studying to become a doctor. So when you ring home hoping to get a comforting something from mother, you hear, "What? No A's? I'm disappointed in you." When you eventually get over the shock and arrive home at the doorstep, you hear news of a friend's daughter getting excellent results. Mother asked me if I was joking about my results and you say no. Again, "I'm disappointed in you. What have you been doing in your Form Six?"

College was even worse I suppose. It was a highly competitive place where I felt swallowed up. The first year was all right because I could still catch up. But the subsequent two years were a massive effort for me to hold onto anything to sustain me and keep me going. I lost part of the battle and settled for less. However, that wedged in yet another rift between mother and I. "You're not trying hard enough, you know you can do it if you wanted to." For a period, I really believed I could and I tried and tried with all my might. In the end, I realised my potential lied somewhere else - journalism. Science was a passion but nothing could fulfill me more than to write.

Again, I let people down. This time, my aunt called up and told me that because "...you don't have a degree in journalism, how can you call yourself a journalist, let alone a reporter?" That cut. That cut really deep. Furthermore, thanks to circumstances in college, found myself at the wrath of mother regarding failing a subject. Christianity got blamed because of that and I felt rejected for life. "You are so useless like your dad"

Why must I revisit my past and talk about it? Because I realise that everyone of us has a past that we don't like to talk about. We all have some wounds in the past that we would all just like to ignore and pretend that they weren't there in the first place.

Due to the rejection and loneliness I felt as I grew up under my mother's shadow, I had accumulated a lot of resentment and distrust to figures of authority. I grew up with a sense that I needed to try my hardest to please everyone including God. Whenever I couldn't finish my assignments or homework, I would stress myself out - cry - get a migraine - cry - sleep. Whenever I met with a problem and I dealt with it badly, my self-rejection made me feel even more depressed.

I have contemplated suicide many times in my life. All of those times came from moments of rejection and disappointment. I remember bashing my knuckles against a tree trunk for the sweet pain to relieve the cut inside of me. I bit myself before to stop the tears. I bashed the walls with my bare knuckles to release my anger. I became bullimic for a period of time because it made me feel like I was in control.

When it came to God, I was always afraid that God would hate me or forsake me when I screwed up. I was always suspicious or apprehensive with my spiritual leaders and friends in church. Were they really so nice? Did they really care that much for me? Can I trust a God that loves me no matter what? Can I learn to forgive myself? I realised that all of us who were hurt - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - carry doubt within us after that incident of hurting. That pain that in the past would have drove a person to God now ironically drives people away from Church and God.

We live in an age where we would rather continue to seek comfort in friends and relationships than to really address the problem. We are at the point of our civilisation where technology has taken us all over the globe through the internet and yet we feel the loneliest. We forget for others to forgive us we must first exercise forgiveness. We drown in our own bitterness because things don't seem to improve and get worse when what we really should do is get ourselves out of that negative spell and be bigger than that situation. We go through rollercoaster rides of commitment - recommitment - commitment - recommitment over the same things that plague us over and over again. Have you promised yourself to be more loving? Have you told yourself repeatedly to be more patient and kind? Have you promised God to love Him over and over again until you begin to feel dry inside?

Sometimes, the very things that we petition God to change in us are very simple - punctuality, alertness, wisdom, maturity, illnessess, habits, addictions, principles, mindsets, jaded-thinking etc, are simple indeed in nature to some. However, the process God takes to change us has never been simple and never will be.

The Israelites went through a burning hot desert, ran from captors through the parting of the red sea, received the 10 Commandments, wandered for 40 years in the desert, crossed into the Promised Land and battled at Jericho, conquered the land and settled in to enjoy every single one of God's promises. Was it a journey of a pleasant nature? It wasn't. Every man except for Caleb and Joshua died a death in the desert. Every family then lost a husband and a father. Many died for idolatry. Some were swallowed up by the earth, others of plague and stoning.

If things weren't easy for the Israelites, can we expect things to be easy for us?

I used to be a very cynical person. I would be so impatient to wait for God's promises that my emotions would slip and slide and escalate every now and then. One moment I would be praising God and the other I would be begging Him to speak to me. When I felt trapped in my situations with my mother, I had two choices - either I continued to believe in God's will or wallow in self-pity and sef-rejection. I realised that even friendships can be unsatisfying comparing to clinging onto God. Close Christian friends could help and spiritual leaders are nearby, but the decision to stand up and grow out of a bad situation is in our hands. No one can make that decision for us. Jesus called to the woman at the well, she could have chosen to walk away. How many times have we walked away despite knowing in our hearts that God isn't pleased?

This entry is for you - the one who feels hurt. The one who can't seem to lift yourself out of the situation you are in. You could have brought it onto yourself and suffered rejection and disappointment. Maybe you can't even stare into the mirror without recalling the things you did. You could be born into a family which demands much of you and you resent it. Your parents despise the fact that you don't want to become the fantastic son/daughter that the next door neighbours have. Maybe you've been hurt by a friend or you don't seem to get the response or feedback you desire.

Do you feel rejected? Do you feel tired, jaded? Don't.

Personally, as a Christian, even I went through moments where I had to make a hard, but visible choice. Set aside the pain and walk in the victorious life God has promised me. When I was rejected by loved ones, I chose instead to receive love from God. It felt lonely at times and unbearable at some point, but sometimes when you do the right thing, you need to do it ALONE. Sometimes, in order to live in the fullness of God, we need to draw a line between our present and future. We need to step over that boundary and choose to kill and crucify those things in us that hinder us from our destiny. We often feel wronged, we feel like our parents, friends and the rest of the world owes us an apology and we have every right to feel bad. You are right. You do. But you can choose to stop dwelling in that area and allow God to humble you and bring you on another path.

I want to be a leader and heal those who are hurt. But how can I if I don't learn to step away from the pain and learn to deal with it like an adult? How can I lead those who are lost if I frequently get lost along the way as well? We all take God for granted don't we? We readily proclaim love for God and claim those blessings He promised in the Bible, yet we conveniently skip the next few verses where God says, "...if you serve other gods [read: things that draw you away from God], you will not be blessed." Not because God delights in punishing you. But by choosing your depression, your anger, your resentment, your addiction, your unforgiveness; you have chosen to disbelieve God's providence in your time of need. How can I say I love God if I am also hating someone? How can I say I serve God if I serve other areas in my life that don't deserve serving?

As we mature in our faith, we can go to rally after rally, concert after concert and conference after conference. We can sit in church and wow over the pastor's preaching and be "divinely" inspired for a few hours. We can sing the latest songs from a favourite Christian band like any song on the radio without realising that its become just like any song on the radio already. We can worship God and God touches us and points out things in us that we hate to change.

How many of us DO change? How many of us take the courage to commit and repent and stay that way? We congratulate ourselves with the amount of people becoming believers of God worldwide. Reality bites. Many Christian men and women out there don't make it and fail to live out God's plan for their lives. Why? Because they made choices.

They had a choice. I have a choice, and so do you. I know its hard to battle it alone. But I promise you, if you are honest enough about it, if you are willing to change and stay changed, confide in someone. Make yourself accountable to God and have someone who will stay with you, guide you and make sure you are disciplined enough to want to changed by God. Change is never painless, I'm not going to lie to you about that. But the result of change is something you desire - a new you, a renewed you.

It's one of those nights when my Christian writing is directed under the hands of God. May you be blessed with this piece. God is reaching out to you tonight.

Embrace Him with abandon and receive His love.

Sex and The City

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 10:27:38 GMT

It's currently 1.45am here in Liverpool. I know I should be off to bed soon lest the sun rises before I can shut my eyes, but I just cant resist blogging at this very moment and capture the emotion and atmosphere that I felt after watching the three last series of Sex and The City in the living room.

A short recap: Everyone has their own lives now. Carrie makes the move to Paris to stay with the great Alexandr Protovski (did I spell that correct?) and realises that maybe she misses her ex-boyfriend more plus the fact that now in Paris, she's all alone and her best mates are in Manhattan, New York. Many things happen and at last we find our talented columnist back in New York with her ex-boyfriend and her friends. Along the way we see her best mates take a good turn in their lives too - one finds that she has the capacity as a wife to finally accept her husband's mother who suffers from dementia, another finds a child in China is coming to be adopted by her, the other friend who suffers from breast cancer finally realises that she loves her toy-boy and loves him like she's never loved anyone before in her whole life.

It's a good ending to a great show. Somehow, for the past week, talking about someone that I loved deeply and still love has made me realise many things. Talking to someone about him and learning that that someone too has person whom can't be forgotten completely makes me realise things too.

In life, so many things can happen. Sometimes, love likes to elude us just within our very grasp of our fingers and one moment you've caught hold of it and yet the other moment it slips right through them again. It doesn't sadden me anymore as I recall this for these past few days, more like reliving those happy moments when I thought, "What if he really...?" It was never meant to be, but to indulge in a girly fantasy and be blissfully hopeful feels nice.

I don't think I will ever forget what it feels like to have tingles down your spine when you hear someone strum a guitar and sing to you. Somehow, that memory can't be replaced and I ain't going to look for another who can sing equally or better than that to fill that memory. Every moment is sacred and eternal and comparing doesn't help anyone.

I would like to dedicate this journal to all the girls / guys who are in love, who have loved and who are yet to love. There's someone out there for each and everyone of us. Maybe some of us prefer a guy who is responsible, secure and mature; there are some of us here who would prefer a guy whom we can protect with our love and assurance and we feel all warm and fuzzy when at the end of the day he comes back for comfort and attention; yet there are some who prefer a man who gives us the freedom yet fiercely devotes his attention to our needs without us knowing; there are some hopeless romantics out there too who just wants a man who loves us desperately everyday and can't do without us; some prefer a best friend.

Whatever it is your preference, here's to all of you! Love aint easy and never was easy. We all know that universal truth and sometimes... love hurts too. Sometimes lady luck smiles on us and we know we've found that person. Other times, we find that person and find he/she is out of our grasp or control and we have to learn to let go. There are some of us, who have yet to find that special someone.

There will come a time when our turn comes, when we too will share the limelight. We will be able to love and be loved. Life is full of hope and joy because [I hold to this truth every day] that God created man and woman - a symbol of union - meaning that no one was intended to be lonely in this world. We all await for that prince charming, that cinderella or Snow White to appear in our lives.

And wait we shall.

Meanwhile... enjoy these lyrics to one of my favourite songs, I Will Be Here by Steve Curtis Chapman:

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up and the sun does not appear
I will be here.
If in the dark we lose sight of love, hold my hand and have no fear,
Cause I, I will be here.

I will be here
When you feel like bein' quiet,
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen,
and I will be here.
When the laughter turns to crying,
Through the winning, losing and trying,
we'll be together,
Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up and the future is unclear,
I will be here.
As sure as seasons are made for change, our lifetimes are made for years,
So I, I will be here.

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you.
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me.
We'll be together

I will be true
To the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me.

I will be here.

And just as sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I,
I will be here....We'll be together.
I will be here.

[note to self: Don't fall in love with people who sing to you]

Of Manchester and other things...

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 08:25:30 GMT

My visit to Manchester was really the crowning event after the Chester trip. I managed to explore a city at my own pace and my own time. We arrived at 8am in the morning and proceeded to trudge around the city at a leisurely pace until near 7pm where we boarded the bus back happy and contented although tired.

What made Manchester so special to me? It definitely wasn't the Starbucks visit in the morning nor was it the visit to Old Trafford. It wasn't even the beautiful shopping malls that were sprawled around the city.

I will always remember those small bits that help make my memory of Manchester priceless. We chanced upon a wedding service at the cathedral in town. Although we weren't allowed into the church itself, we could stand near the door and look through the glass into the occasion. I will carry with me the memory of a group of people who were gathered and sitting in attention in the ceremony, how the choir sang like a group of divine angels and the growing brightness of the late afternoon sun that spilled into the building. Later that day, I returned determined to catch a glimspe of the newlyweds and my patience was rewarded as I managed to see them standing in the lawn taking photos with family and friends. They say every bride is beautiful and I saw that it was true. There she was, leaning on her husband's shoulder proud and happy to be married. Her smile was sweet and radiant as she held onto her life partner. Her husband not to be outdone was the picture of happiness as he too held her tightly for dear life. Beautiful... that moment, I the hopeless romantic shared in the matrimonial bliss of an unknown couple together with the many people who stopped to savour this sacred moment as well.

Urbis stood out for me in Manchester as more than a futuristic glass building. It inspired me to look at urban living and strip away the stereotype of calling the life that I have known for the past 23 years as hectic. Have I looked at the homeless on the streets? Have I realised how many simple things in life matter much to children who will continue our legacy in the future? As I looked at the scrawled letters written by children at the Make A Wish exhibition, simple things like wanting free dance and music lessons, having more playgrounds and schools... were not as simple as they let on to be. Where did our society go wrong? When did we allow drugs to marr that simple innocence that was displayed through our children's writing? Imagine if those simple requirements were met and children were given a wholesome living right from the very start and isolated from violence and hatred... things would have been different. It was here, at Urbis I celebrated citylife and it made me proud to have my say written on a sticky note and post it on the walls together with the many notes left behind by locals and visitors alike.

Bella Italia - a memorable place for me in terms of food. As the evening drew near, I stopped by the busy Italian restaurant for a cuppa. Ordered two macchiatoes and the dessert that took my breath away - The Godfather. Imagine that at the bottom a base made of Amoretti biscuits drenched in chocolate sauce and liquor together with big chunks of chocolate brownies, on top of that two generous scoops of coffee and vanilla gelato sprinkled with big chopped pieces of dark chocolate, the ice-cream drowned in a mass of sweet and light whipped cream just enough to make the chocolate not too sweet and last but not least...two oval pieces of light bisquit flanking the concoction on the left and on the right. Simply put... superb!

Perhaps my memory of Manchester doesn't sound exactly that great. It doesn't sound like I did much anyway. But the difference was I explored Manchester with a worthy partner. We strolled down the streets at a good pace that was neither too rushed nor too lazed and we slowly soaked in the atmosphere. We were inspired to strive for our nation at Urbis, we became hopeless romantics as we saw the wedding, we turned into ravenous and enthralled food lovers at Bella Italia. My good fortune indeed to romp the streets of Manchester with a companion who loved the things I loved, who enjoyed a quiet cuppa in the evening, who understood that it was the small things in life that needed to be appreciated in order to piece together the big picture in life.

I won't deny that there were some unpleasant moments during that day that threatened to spoil the mood of travelling but I am thankful that all worked out well. Every man (or woman in this case) to themselves. There were individuals who did make unwise decisions but yet things worked out well in the end.

Saturday's trip ended with other things as well. It ended with a feeling that things aren't as bad as they seem. I ended the day feeling like how Anne in Anne of Green Gables felt, that there are "kindred spirits" around me. The reason why I missed Malaysia so much wasn't because there was a particular person or group of people I missed. It's not that easy to quantify. I miss Malaysia because I felt significant there, I felt that I had an identity there. Here, my identity is just temporary.

It was a good way to end the night on Saturday. I would have never imagined myself talking about things in my past that easily to someone whom I have just known for less than a year (strictly speaking) but somehow... as we talked into the night, I think there was a mutual consent and understanding between the two of us that we understood. There is this age-old universal theory that two people can be quite different and quite alike in many ways or over the same issue. However, true friendship comes in and makes sure that these differences never become a source of conflict or strife. Lately, I have heard many thing about many people. I seem to have accidently become a receiving end for many things, issues and secrets. Sometimes, I wonder why me?

If I am to just listen and not react, I would feel that what my friends need is a recorder or a teddy bear. I am human as well. You cannot expect me to be idle and ignore the things I might hear or see and stand aside. I have emotions and I have a heart. Sometimes, when two sides are demanding your trust and allegiance in a sense, being neutral hurts a whole lot more than choosing sides.

I choose to trust my heart. I have a past and trusting a person is something that has never come easy for me. That's what happens when too many people hurt you in too many incidents before you get a chance to even grow out of your hormones. It makes you wary and careful and observant. I am a certified people-watcher and I love to formulate my own opinions of people and of the things I see and hear.

I have watched and I have seen. I refuse to be a part of any conspiracy or agreement. I'd rather recall the moments in the living room where everyone is seemingly happy with each other and trading jokes over dinner. But underneath that layer, there are unresolved conflicts, there are friends who hang that Friend label on when its appropriate and dump it when it is convenient. There are people who refuse to resolve conflict or use that as an excuse to voice our their distrust when sometimes the only way to solve it is to face it and not to ignore it. I wonder why it hurts me to see all this because if I were to be brutally honest at this moment:

It's none of my business.

But somehow, there's a part of me that refuses to stop caring. Friendship is extremely important to me. Sincerity matters and honesty is number one in any relationship I hold in this life.

[Perhaps, my friend, that is why I will value that late-night talk that lasted until 4am in the morning. It was a time where both of us threw away boundaries and laid our cards honestly on the table. We're not saints but we both value honesty even if it means being ugly about it eventually. That is our identity. The identity that we possessed in Malaysia and the identity we yearn to practice here in Liverpool as well. Regrettedly sometimes, it is hard to find more of that in other lives. But it was good, at least we have someone to understand us. Life isn't that unbearable if you can have at least one friend who accepts you for who you are, who ticks you off when you need it and makes your bed for you when you're sick.]

Malaysia feels a whole world closer after Manchester. I feel understood finally. Thanks mate.

Book review

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 20:14:54 GMT

I'm 3/4 into a book that I couldn't help but buying from Wesley Owen at St. John's - The Cross and The Switchblade. A true account of preacher Davie Wilkerson who went into the hearts of gang-ridden, dangerous New York to preach the gospel into the lives of lonely, fearful and insecure youths who knew only the dangers of switchblades and knew not the comfort of God's "no-strings attached" love.

I've never been a gang, never been so bad that I ran with boys and had random sex parties, never had a "main-stream" of drugs inserted straight into my left arm, never slept in a house where my mom was a drunk and I had to survive on a 7-cent Coke for breakfast, 15-cents hotdog for lunch and penny candies for the rest of the day. I was never in those situations.

I've never been in the shoes of Nicky Cruz who would get crazed by the sight of blood, who would go mad and whack people (including his own homies) with a baseball bat in a gang fight. I've never felt desperation like Maria, high on drugs and yet standing in the middle of the room moaning the words, "I'm too far gone to be saved."

And yet, tonight. Through the words of a country preacher who just simply, and obediently followed the word of God to reach out to the children in the ghettoes, I stand afraid in a gang fight with Nicky. I feel that pang of loneliness and fear of Maria. I feel that sense of contempt for authorities that only love to label youngsters and say, "God, how I hate them!" I share that sense of bewilderment and agree that, "Davie, keep going, you're getting through. You got me bugged with this preaching of yours."

This book sure has bugged me too.

A different life

Thu, 28 Jul 2005 19:59:22 GMT

Ever felt like you were out of the picture for the past few years of your life? As I look through college blogs by friends close and distant alike, I find myself staring into a totally different world. A world that perhaps I did not participate or join for the 3 years I was there. I hovered like a ghost, occasionally mingling in but most of the time zipping by busy with my own matters.

How did college life start out? I joined the course in the second year when those who had been there for one year already had formed their own groups and cliques. There I was with a happy gang of F6-ers who helped remove the feelings of missing my friends from the convent. I found friends then. People whom I could talk to, friends whom I did get close to, friends whom I could entrust my heart to.

Those were the days when an artist would colour them pink and sky blue. Then came days when the colours rans out, when things that you thought you knew you had a hold on suddenly slipped through your fingers right before your very eyes. The one bright spot of yellow in a picture painted grey and black and white was the moment I met my best friend. But the picture was still predominantly dark and dreary and at times as you look at it from different angles, you can hardly see that yellow spot unless you focus really, really hard.

I slipped out at that point. Hurt, alone and wounded I slipped away from the crowds. I got involved in other things that had more significant meaning. College became a place of academic pursuit and no longer represented a place of fulfillment and rest. As I browse through college blogs and see titles that hint of memories with coursemates and events in college, I find no trace of myself there. I find no identity in that place and though I chose a different path, a different life and different friends; there is still a small part of me that wonders if that was how things were meant to be for those 3 years I was there?

I look at that bright spot again, and I see him - my best friend. And I forget all the pain that was and should be left behind me. I smile again amidst these tears I shed as I write this, I acknowledge that there are things that are out of my control and I am not in total charge of every single detail of my life.

Perhaps the only memory that people will carry of me is that girl who sits at the side of the hall near the top. The girl who hardly seems to have time to mingle too much in college. The girl who rushes off to do her own thing after college ends. Or maybe the girl whom people can't even remember. Could there have been a different way of handling this? I do not know the answer to this question.

All I know is that through my best friend, he showed me a whole new world as well. A world that was full of sorrow and desperation. A world that needed people to reach out to to love and hug. My best friend taught me that sometimes, you need to say goodbye to the dearest people around you in order to love the rest of the world. Sometimes you realise too that no matter how hard you try, you just can't patch up things or people who just won't try to understand where you're coming from as well.

I found comrades instead. Soldiers of war who stood by me in my time of need. When people were in lecture halls chatting and joking, I was at war. Some thought the wars I fought were noble, while those closest would think me to be foolish. All I know is my best friend was there alongside me all the way. He defended me when I was defenceless, loved me when I couldn't even love myself. Forgave me when no man would. My best friend opened new doors and hearts.

I'm not writing this to complain that my coursemates did not make my life richer. They did. The spirit of togetherness, their outlooks on life, the seriousness, the wackiness, the times when tears were shed together... all this speaks of a human nature that is strong and cannot be quelled by hate. The only difference is I was never really a part of that. I feel wistful about it, but I never felt neglected.

In the course of writing this, I have revisited memory lane and I have shed tears thinking of bygone days which will never be repeated again. I miss my comrades at war too. I am on a holiday now from the battlefield, but I look forward to returning to the camp soon and continueing the battle with them.

Undone

Sun, 24 Jul 2005 22:53:26 GMT

I've been frustrated with myself for the past few days. Sometimes, being unable to verbalise what you feel reduces to someone who seems all right on the outside but inside you just keep pushing yourself away from the ones who love you the most. You seem to try to find some excuse or reason to blame it on others or blame it on lack of sleep (or excess if it), fatigue, PMS etc.

However, when you think about it. Really think about it... the problem really lies in your relationship with God. I will not go into detail with what has been discussed with a very close friend but the conclusion that we always come to is that I need to focus, refocus...focus and refocus. It has always been an issue for me and one area in my life I would dearly love to see transformed by God. So many temptations have come my way and though they have not become fact, nevertheless I still responded and was tempted.

Today's preaching was about Achan who stole treasures of the enemy and hid them in his tent thus incurring God's wrath. I felt that God was speaking to me about these choices that lay before me. Whether they existed or not, they still succeeded in tempting me, meaning I gave into the desire of choosing them instead of obeying God. My friend asked a vital question, "What is God's will?" That is a question I am going to answer in this blog to make myself accountable and to make it a permanent record of today.

God's will in my life is to serve Him in His house. To go into full time ministry. To become a Christian who will be able to communicate God's goodness through written words and to one day become a teacher of His word. God has also spoken of things concerning pastoring which I am keeping in prayer, but nevertheless it is a calling that I am sure of as I meditate on that revelation. God's will in my life is that I am to stay put in World Harvest Church until He tells me to leave for another place. His will is that I not stop evangelising and spreading the gospel and He has promised youth groups from secondary schools and disciples from youths and young adults. God's will for me is to a healer of broken heart's and that in 2002 when He spoke to me first of my calling He promised that in 2005 my spiritual growth would be greater than 2002. God's will is my will. There are temptations now in my way and somehow, by God's strength I will resist them because although they are good choices, God's will is still higher than all the wonderful avenues laid before me. I might think they are the best for me, but God always has something better than I can ever imagine.

Dear friends, regardless what religion you believe in. Keep me in prayer. I am at another turning point in my life. Last year, it was personality breakthroughs all the way. This year is the year where I will cross the River Jordan and enter the Promised Land to claim it and learn to maintain and possess it and call it my own.

There's no turning back after I have placed this here on this blog. I make myself accountable for all that I have said. God, I will not forsake Thy will. For Your ways are higher than mine. I will not disobey. I pray for Your strength and mercy on my life. From this moment onwards, I am yours, completely at Your will and mercy.

Cut and Paste

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 15:26:24 GMT

In The Star today, "Umno Youth wants to re-introduce the New Economic Policy as the country's development policy."

So lets look at what Hishamuddin proposed:

1. What he proposed: Maintaining 30% equity ownership for the Malays

What he really meant: 50 years later we still need to take from the rich chinese to feed the poor Malays.

2. What he proposed: Ensuring authorities responsible for awarding tenders understand their commitment and responsibility towards the Malay agenda

What he really meant: awarding tenders to Malays instead of other races is the "responsibility and commitment" of every Malaysian in such position to do so.

3. What he proposed: Making sure the Key Performance Index of Government Linked Companies or privatised companies safeguard the Malay agenda

What he really meant: the Malays have an agenda and the rest of Malaysia must help them to safeguard it.

4. What he proposed: Creating a monitoring system to ensure a more efficient delivery system for the Malay agenda

What he really meant: the Malay agenda (whatever on earth it is they want it to be at the time when they want it to be it) is inefficiently delivered/ monitored, presumebly because of lack of support from non-Malays.

Didnt Hishamuddin ever learn anything from his wonderful grandfather Onn Jaafar ?

Negaraku

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 22:55:10 GMT

It's 11.48pm here in Liverpool now. Spent the whole day downloading videos from Petronas where they kept their videos that were made for either Independence Day (Hari Merdeka) or for festivals such as Hari Raya, Chinese New Year of Deepavali.

It's heartwarming to revisit those advertisements. It makes me sad that those advertisements are the very few reminders to Malaysians that we should value each other. Take a look at the local Malaysian dailies and you will know that every race is still pretty much busy doing their own thing. Political parties are still racially-biased and like it or not, racial segregation still happens.

Where did we go wrong? I would rather be able to look at my country now and be proud of the fact that we really do coexist with each other and each race is not competing with each other but instead linking hands and forget about race or colour. The adults are right in saying that us youths do not appreciate the value of independence and the trouble and sacrifices to see Malaysia born into the world.

But you so-called "older and wiser" adults know! You know the price that was paid to see a nation escape the grasp of colonists. You know what it is like to live in harmony with the races. You know that the condition for our country to gain independence was that Malay, Chinese, Indian and the other races knew that a country's foundation was not based on majority, but rather unity.

Maybe watching those videos made me more patriotic. Maybe deep down inside, there's a part of me that wants my elders to teach me the meaning of being a Malaysian. I have a responsibility to respond to these short ads. I have a calling to contribute to my nation. It doesn't come from belonging to the strongest government or any NGO.

It all begins with acceptance. Let us accept who we are and proceed from where we've left behind. We might be black, white or yellow on the outside.

But inside, we're just the same.

I wanna walk with You

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 20:42:47 GMT

And I'll walk with you, in my heart
I'll walk with you in my heart
Find me at the cross down on my knees
Thank you Lord, for saving me...
~Find me at the cross, CCC~

Somehow, I feel calm tonight. The fact that I haven't studied enough (which I think will NEVER be enough) is not disturbing me. I feel energised and pumped up within. Ever since God spoke to me in the evening, I haven't stopped mulling over it, thinking over it.

Today, I was online counselling two friends. Well, sort of counselling. Both were having their moment with God and I guess I was just there to be a vessel for God. Turns out yesterday's entry was really from God. I recall not knowing why I was writing the things I was writing, but now I know better. Now I know that those words I typed out were meant for these two friends of mine. Praise God that He has spoken to them in words and visions!

Just only yesterday night as I was dropping off to sleep I was wondering if God intended me for anything in my life. What would be my future? What would I go into? What is my ministry? I have been thinking through all of this for quite some time. I keep saying I miss Malaysia, yet a part of me is scared of returning. As the days draw nearer, I know I am nearing the day of reckoning. I am a day, an hour, a minute and a second nearer to going home and deciding what I want to do with my life and where I am headed to.

I heard You call, Father God. You whispered Your plans to me three years ago. You told me that You wanted me to serve You and You alone. Slowly You developed me in areas that I had left explored - my writing, my spiritual gifts -and now I am on the edge of yet another discovery. But is it really from You? Or am I just taking another emotional trip? I need confirmation. I need a sign God. Not that I don't trust You, but I would rather have You comission me again to ensure that I have Your approval in this matter. I will not go forward if You are not with me. Never.

How does it feel?

Tue, 12 Jul 2005 09:25:30 GMT

Was reading through my archived blog entries and reread all the things I've been through for 2004. Mainly my job stint at YouthQuake which was very dear to me since now it no longer exists and also... my spiritual walk.

I revisited moments in my life in 2004 when I received words from the pastors, "...God wants to restructure your life..." and I remember the awesome greatness of my Father when I heard those words of truth through my pastor. But I also remember the next line, "...but you must be freeflow...".

Simply put, open to the influence and guidance of God for Him to mould me and build me up to His expectations.

Sometimes I wonder as I look at my recent entries of my blog and I notice the fire has gone out of my writing, or so it seems. Has it really died? Has my passion for Christ simmered down and threatens to go out like a candle in the wind? I don't think so.

It's going to be almost three years that I've been Christian and I need to remind myself why I am Christian every single day. It's not a one time thing and it stays with you forever. My faith needs to be exercised every single waking moment, every single second-minute-hour, in every single situation. Not just by prayer and the typical amens and hallelujahs, but by standing strong and persevering. Being courageous doesn't mean you have no fear, but rather it is to feel fear and yet not falter, to feel fear and yet not run away from the situation whatever it may be, to stand and face those personal demons and keep on standing until you've faced them and conquered them all.

I don't know why I am writing all this. It seems that God has taken over this blog entry and I am typing this following His will. It is an encouragement to myself to read all this as I type it out and it serves as a reminder for all of us Christians out there that our job is not done. Everyday we face personal battles and they come in all shapes and sizes. As I read my blog, I am encouraged to see that I got over some major challenges in 2004 - financial challenges and relationship challenges - and I rejoice in triumphing over them. But I know my challenges for 2005 will be greater - leadership challenges and self-grooming challenges - I know the latter challenge sounds funny but well... it's a thorn in MY side that needs to be taken out and dealt with this year!

Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, you know God is with you no matter how much you screw up. You might walk into His presence with your heads drooping and feeling like THIS is the day when God will finally lose his patience with you. But it's not true. We can approach the throne boldly and ask for grace and mercy in our time of need. When is our time of need? When we screw up most obviously!

For those of you who aren't Christian, I seem to talk of God like a person. He is. It's a unique relationship but no different from the relationship between a child and a father. God loves each and everyone of us and you might be thinking that you don't need someone like God to love you, but He loves you anyway. You might think you've been such a mess your whole life and He couldn't possibly love you, but He loves you anyway. That's how awesome God is. He's not a judge, He is love. God is love.

London Tragedy - Lives and Love Lost

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 13:10:00 GMT

It is with a heavy heart I am blogging now. Yes, I am going to dedicate this blog to the victims of the bombing that happened yesterday 8, July 2005. Bombs reportedly went off at 8.51am between the rail station at Liverpool Street and Aldgate. As the police were sorting out the mess and confusion, another train was ripped apart by another bomb at 8.56am at King's Cross. A third merciless blast rocked another train at 9.17am at Edgware Road. As the nation grieved for those who were lost and trapped underground, above ground a double decker bus exploded near Russel Square at 9.47am, this bus ripped the bus apart as seat and railings were blown far away and wounded those on the pavement. The amount of blood splattered onto buildings was horrifying.

As of now, the death toll is more than 50 persons, more than 700 are injured and 22 are critically wounded. There are some who are reported missing still by friends and family and one can only imagine if those who are missing are those who were blown into smithereens from the bus explosion beyond recognition.

Many people are comparing it to September 11th and perhaps the magnitude of damage and deaths aren't comparable mathematically but the anguish, it is just the same depth of pain and loss. Being in Liverpool, as friends and family called to make sure we were all right, assuring them that it is not Liverpool that is under attack, I can't help but feel the frustration felt by Londoners as well. That echoing, "Why?" Is it really because of Iraq? Is it because of the G8 Summit? I really cannot fathom what goes on in the minds of the people behind the bombs (be it suicidal or operated) because who could ever find it in themselves to kill innocent lives?

I am mourning for the lost lives. Of children who never saw a chance to grow up and fulfill their dreams of becoming doctors, astronauts or teachers. Of parents who might never get to see their children grow up or hold them in their arms again. Of youths who might never get to become leaders of their community and country. Of friends who just bid goodbye to each other as one got off at a station only to find a bomb kill their friend one station away. Of people who didn't deserve to die just yet.

I can't help feeling sad about this. This isn't my country but being in it, sharing the grief alongside with these people is hard to bear as well. It just reminds me how fragile life is and everything can just be wiped out in a matter of seconds. There is an air of uncertainty and insecurity in London as people trudge quietly pass those scenes, averting their eyes from the walls of buildings splattered with browning blood from the victims who were sacrificed unwillingly in the explosion. Those who were trapped underground yesterday will have to live with the memory of screams for help and shattering glass and the faces of those blown apart. I cannot even shake from my mind a quote from a reporter saying that, "...some people have had their limbs blown off."

God, I pray that you help these people. At this time when so many people are questioning the fragility of life. At this time when hatred could build up towards the muslims. I pray that you comfort these broken hearts. Give them peace in their souls to bear the next day. I pray for healing for those who are wounded for both body and spirit. I pray for the leaders of this nation to rise up and handle this tragedy efficiently and with consideration. God, send your love and your help in this hour of need. London needs your power. London needs love. London needs hope. Amen.

Tagged...

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 22:30:37 GMT

I've been tagged by ToForgive:

1) Total number of books I own:
If I could remember the amount of Enid Blyton's I'd religiously tick off the index at the back of my books, plus that with my fantasy series, thriller, horror stories, sci-fi, role-playing Livingstones, theological books... I think I could start a mini library and get rich.

2) The last book(s) I bought:
the WORD on the street by rob lacey

3) The last book I read:
Developing the Leader within you by John C. Maxwell

4) 5 books that mean a lot to me:

The Bible by God aka Holy Spirit because it contains politics, warfare, love stories, good poems, declarations and geography all mushed into one. Well worth my time and love!

The Narnia Chronicles by C.S. Lewis. Books that introduced me to Aslan, whom I never knew was the portrayal of Jesus Christ until a few years back. Those books nevertheless comforted me and gave me the sense of security I lacked in the real world

What's so amazing about grace? by Philip Yancey. An honest point of view from a very old writer about the neecssity of grace for everyone on planet earth. Read it and you will cry. I did.

Good Morning, Holy Spirit by Benny Hinn. In short, a personal encounter with the Holy Spirit in its most direct form ever.

Wild Swans by Jung Chang. Tale of a woman under the reign of Chairman Mao and all the atrocities and contraversies that had sprung up during the Cultural Revolution.

5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs:
are you reading this? really? yeah, then you. and leave a comment here so i know you've taken this up.

i...

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 18:26:14 GMT

Here's something I read in Kenneth's blog and decided to ask myself these self-revealing questions. Monica, I hope you'll get to read this somehow as well. It's the best way to tell you what's on my mind about certain things here in Liverpool which I find hard to tell you from so far away...

i am not: Going to give up

i am hurt: When no one notices that some jokes hurt more than I care to reveal

i love: to sing and write songs

i hate: people who don't make sense and refuse to be corrected

i fear: being alone for the rest of my life

i hope: to excel in my studies here in Liverpool to be able to stand as a good testimony for Christ

i crave: affirmation from people I love and care for i regret: holding back the tears when all I really wanted to do was to cry and stop acting strong

i cry: inside, rarely outside

i care: about my writing because its the way I express myself the best

i always: wish I wouldn't fail all the time

i long: for a love that will one day come into my life as it has for others around me

i feel alone: in Liverpool when I'm around people who don't share the same principles as I do

i listen: to the sound of silence when I am sad

i hide: my irritation and sadness by being quiet and thoughtful

i sing: songs alone in the night when I need comfort

i dance: when I'm in church because that's where I belong

i write: blog entries to express my bluntest thoughts

i breathe: air that still remains foreign and uncertain to me

i play: the guitar and cry because it brings me closest to God during worship

i miss: friends in church when I feel I don't fit in

i search: for more ways to submit my life to God and serve Him unreservedly

i learn: how to cope with feeling so screwed up.

i feel: that my life has never been fuller and significant than when I decided to become a follower of Christ

i know: I have to find God on His terms, not mine

i say: that I'm ok when actually I'm not okay a lot

i succeed: in stopping feeling sorry for myself for quite some time already

i fail: in detaching myself from God's grasp

Are males really XY or XX, phenotypically, genotypically, gonadally or what?

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 08:23:19 GMT

Great...*chuckle* the first day of university yesterday morning and I had to doze off during lectures. Though I fancy her eyes twinkled whenever I came back to life and our eyes met:)

Not a disaster yet. We'll be packing baked beans and rice for lunch in the refectory later courtesy of a guy, hurrah! Hopefully I'll stay awake after lunch. Heavy information to be transmitted everyday!